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I found this interview from Feb 2011, now Patty will be on MassAppeal on WWLP channel 22, Springfield MA on July 29th at 11:00 AM
NORTHAMPTON, Mass. (WWLP) – Valentine’s Day is coming up, and 22News spoke with a local expert on how you can create more love and less conflict in your relationships.
We talked to Patty Gates, a Northampton love and relationship consultant, but you can call her the “Love Doctor.”
She helps people who are single attract their ideal mate by first finding out more about their own relationship styles, and then discovering which styles they want in a mate. She also helps couples work through conflict so they can have more love in their relationship by decoding each other’s relationship styles.
She said that even if you have opposite relationship styles, that does not mean you are not compatible, but it is helpful to identify that you are opposites.
“They don’t even have to know, they can even just assume and just go ‘Wow, isn’t that great! I can probably learn something from them. But, I’m perfect as I am and they’re perfect as they are.’ So that acceptance can actually create more love in their lives,” Gates said.
This is not like couples therapy. What Gates does is she takes your birth date, sees how the planets aligned on that day, and then she tells you what you are and what you need. It sounds a little out there, but it is pretty interesting.
To find out more about Patty Gates, you can visit her website.
via 22News speaks to love consultant | WWLP.com.
 If you are a person who has any jealousies, it is worth looking for the answer to that question. Most of our harmful behaviors are learned from past experiences. If you are a religious person, I can certainly tell you that jealousy is not seen as a good thing by any major religious texts. The Bible, for example, says directly that “Love is not jealous.” One of the main reasons that jealousy persists is due to basic insecurities. The fear of losing what we perceive as belonging to us. It prompts us to do things to make sure someone is not taking our stuff or our partner. It makes us behave like a guard dog, or at least think like one. Jealousy is also supported by the belief that we own our significant other. Commitment never means ownership, even in a marriage, because what we are committing is ourselves. In regards to long term relationships, the feeling that you own your partner will give rise to anger, control, and jealousy. These stand directly in the way of self expression by your partner, so sharing of thoughts and feelings will be minimal. Our attempts to own our partner actually prevent us from having more of what we want–a good relationship with our partner. The more controlling, jealous, or angry we are, the more our partner is repelled by us. The more our husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend will shut down—both words and feelings. Giving up jealousy does not put you more at risk of losing your husband or wife, although it may feel like it at first. Instead, it helps to strengthen the bond of your relationship by increasing your partner’s desire to be with you. No one wants to feel controlled. To begin to give up jealousy, you will need to mentally and verbally give your partner the freedom of doing as he or she pleases. If this brings a gut reaction from you to say “no way,” consider that your partner has this freedom anyway. And if you keep being jealous, he or she may use that freedom to find someone less controlling. Even if you can force someone to a certain set of behaviors like always being by your side, you cannot force someone’s thoughts to be there too. If you could force someone to be with you emotionally and physically all the time, then you could not have the satisfaction of knowing he or she has chosen to be with you. Until you grant freedom, there is no possibility for you to feel a great depth of love from your partner. Write down any areas where you feel jealous.Tell your partner that you are no longer going to feel jealous in those areas and are not going to try to control his or her behavior.Tell your partner that he or she is an adult with the power to choose to be with you or not and that you don’t need to be responsible for his or her behavior.Stop asking questions about where your partner is going, or has been. Remember, your suspicious questions don’t prevent unfaithfulness–they make it more likely. Your trust makes you more attractive. Of course, what he or she does will still impact the relationship. This would also be true for anyone else-a friend, parent, sibling, coworker, employer, etc. But just as you trust them and do not attempt to control them, so you are not going to attempt to control your partner-either with actions or with thoughts. You are not giving freedom (your partner already has that). You are giving trust. If the trust is broken, then your partner will be to blame and not you. Remember, to have success in your relationship, you must not do things that will push you and your partner apart. That has drawn us very close together as we can talk about anything. Temptations are part of life and being able to talk to each other about them helps us to resist them. Knowing that we can talk to each other about anything makes us very valuable for each other, as we don’t have that with anyone else. It is a unique benefit of our relationship. It makes our relationship close. Jealous people are all around us in great supply. But, it would be very hard to find a replacement for someone who loves, listens, cares, and allows us the freedom to think and be ourselves. Such people are rare. Any man or woman would be much more careful to keep someone like this. Giving this to your partner makes other people seem much worse in comparison. When you are trusting like this for your partner, you help to make yourself irreplaceable. That is your biggest safeguard against losing your partner—not jealousy.
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 The neighbors who lived on the west side of my apartment were a young couple in their twenties. To say that their relationship had problems is like saying if you fall into Niagara Falls you will get a little wet. Their marriage arguments were hard to drown out with my TV. Being their neighbor rather than their counselor, I found myself hoping they would be very mad at each other so that I could have some peace and quiet in my own apartment. In the time it takes to drive to the store and buy a whole cartload of groceries, the husband could repeatedly blame his wife for forgetting to buy the milk and always forgetting things, while the wife could spend the entire time blaming her husband for always expecting her to be a mind reader. It certainly wasn’t helping their relationship and it wasn’t really fixing their problems. I got the answer one day when I noticed that a woman would sometimes visit their apartment while the wife was working. The husband’s routine with this “guest” seemed quite different from that with his wife and from the sound of things, they had quite a good time. It is very hard for the average human being to cheat on someone he has a good relationship with. But if the relationship is not so good, if there is something to hold against his partner, then it becomes easier to rationalize his (or her) behavior, like having an affair. Sometimes when people first commit to a relationship, it’s not done wholeheartedly, and even after the marriage ceremony there remains much doubt. Emotional distancing can be a way of trying to hold on to independence and individuality even while married. This is common for people who marry very young or when people marry after having been single for most of their life. And people who were previously committed to their relationship may push away if they feel they are being controlled by their husband or wife. A close relationship would take away the person’s excuse to behave this way. Blaming others helps us to get off the hook–even if we deserve to be on it. Of course you are not to blame for your partner’s personal choices and an affair can’t really be justified based on a couple not getting along. None of the other harmful behaviors can either, for that matter. Guilt leads people to either give up their behavior or to justify it. If your husband (or wife) sees you as “bad”, then he will feel less bad about his own behavior. The reason is that your husband or wife could have responded in a better way. He or she could go to drug or alcohol rehab; she can work on her relationship with you. Together or separately, you both could have consulted a relationship coach or marriage counselor. We can decide to break the cycle of arguing by not justifying our own distancing based on our husband’s or wife’s behavior. To start to change things you need to realize that you have more choices than to either fight or withdraw. Neither of these choices will fix anything. First, we can look at a couple of things. 1) Is our spouse arguing in order to create a comfortable emotional distance from us; and 2) Is our spouse pushing us away because he or she feels pushed away by us? Sometimes when the arguments have gone on for a while, the original reason for arguing is long gone. Then it’s all attack and defense with no good reason at all. Knowing which is the case will help us to react in an appropriate way. I help people to make their husband’s or wife’s bad behavior toward them not work anymore. Imagine if your husband or wife pushes you away by marriage arguments and you respond in a way that is actually loving and helpful (but never, ever sarcastic). What would happen? Interestingly, instead of your husband or wife pushing away more, he or she would tends to decrease the bad behavior. Real communication would start to happen. Then there would be less need for games, pornography, affairs, etc. Remember–to be effective, your response must make your spouse’s actions toward you not work anymore. At the same time, you will need to have a way to help your husband or wife get what she really needs. Like a lock and a key both parts are necessary. But, that is what we signed on for. We will never feel peace when we do something to hurt someone else, even if they have hurt us. We need to help our husband or wife to have the best relationship with us as possible. We need to work for our spouse’s benefit because that is to our benefit to. We need to see our husband or wife as an imperfect human being who is doing what he or she knows to get a little bit of happiness out of life. Then, we can help him or her to get more. At first, it’s a tough job when you just feel like striking back. But you need your spouse’s love too. Helping is always going to create more love than hurting. You can choose now to learn how to help your husband or wife and end the distance between you two. I help others with this every day. I would be happy to help you, too. Isn’t that what a marriage “partner” does? Help the other one when he or she really needs it? 
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 Shy people are shy because they are trying to protect themselves from how they imagine others will react to them. Shyness is a kind of shell that make them feel safe, but actually blocks their own happiness. Because even people who would like to be closer to them are shut out. For instance, if someone says “hello” to a really shy person, they are likely either not to reply or to reply in a way that appears unfriendly (no eye contact, looking nervous, no animation, looking uncomfortable). Before you start saying you are not shy, consider whether you feel comfortable talking to both men and women, one on one and in groups, to attractive people and less attractive people, to introverts and extroverts. There is a high likelihood that you are shy with at least some kinds of people. While you may not have a solid shell around you, you may have a kind of “screen” that keeps too many people shut out. We want to screen out weirdos of course, but everyone else deserves at least a little human contact. Everyone has something to offer, and, you have something to offer everyone. When someone doesn’t really know you, they can’t reject you. They may reject who they think you are. They may reject the person that they see. The only people who can really reject you are friends and family who know you well. This means that strangers and acquaintances are actually emotionally safer than them! Until someone knows you, they only have an idea of you, and their feelings are based on their experiences with other people, not you. Approach someone at a bar and they will react to you as if you are like most people who approach them at bars. In a grocery store, you would get a different reaction. Another way to look at rejection is as the other person’s loss and not yours. They are cutting themselves off from the chance to have a good relationship with you, to exchange a smile or a friendly word. When you offer the hand of friendship and they avoid it, you can know it is their problem. If an acquaintance greeted you or asked you how you are and you didn’t answer, who would be the weird one, them or you? Working up the nerve to do something really risky is generally not a good idea. If you take a really big risk and it doesn’t work out, then you will be all the more reluctant to try next time. People who have difficulty making friends often get into a downward spiral of forcing themselves to make a big effort to make friends, followed by failure, and an even more difficult time “forcing” themselves to try again. It won’t be long before they stop trying altogether. Taking small risks leads to an upward spiral. Small risks are more likely to lead to success and to be less discouraging when they don’t work out. Fail at even one big thing and you may never try again. Fail at five of 10 little risks, and you will feel encouraged. Shy people need to gradually crack open their shell, not explode out of it. The key to successfully leaving your shell is in taking small risks that you will be able to handle without begin crushed. All of us have circles of social relationships. You can imagine a bulls eye target with yourself at the center. The ring closest to you represents your most intimate relationships. The rings further out are more and more distant relationships. If you go out enough rings, it would include everyone in the world! With the social circle method, the goal is to bring each person one circle closer. Instead of trying to make strangers into close friends (a big jump, and a big risk), you make strangers into acquaintances, and acquaintances into potential friends. Step 1. If you would normally say “Hi” to someone, perhaps an acquaintance, then say a little more such as, “Hi George,” (using the person’s name). Step 2. If you would normally say “Hi” and use the person’s name, add a simple question or comment such as “Hi George, nice weather today.” Or, “Hi George, how are you?”. Step 3. If you would normally greet them with their name and a “how are you?,” add a little compliment. “I really like your sweater,” for example. (Don’t make it too personal or detailed). Step 4. If you normally would avoid eye contact with someone (perhaps a cashier), try making brief eye contact. If you already do that, then add a little smile. If you already do that, then say, “Hi” (and start at #1 above). The basic idea is to initiate just a little more with each person. Everyone is not treated the same in this method. Because they are only small increases, they don’t arouse concern in others and the approach is natural. For some, this will sound too simple, but to the shy and lonely, this can open up entire new worlds. Many people stop long before other people resist their approach. It’s important to reach the resistance level for their sake as well as yours. You will meet a level of resistance, at some point, with everyone. If not, then by following this method everyone would become your intimate friend! That’s not going to happen. But, by using this method with everyone until you hit a wall of resistance; you will reach a deeper level of relationship with some people than you ever would have before. Methods that go too far, too soon are aggressive and risky. This method is natural and non-aggressive. It is best for people you see regularly. Every interaction you have with other people exerts either a “push” away from you, or a “pull” toward you. Sometimes the push or pull is so slight, that it has no effect–like trying to push a large tree. At other times, your other actions may send people sailing away from you. Only a few people are really good at pulling people in strongly. Shyness pushes people away. Working with a relationship coach will help you to learn skills for drawing people in. That’s true whether the person is your partner now, your future partner, or even an estranged family member. The most effective thing to do is to do something, because waiting sure won’t work.
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 Attacks can be obvious and stupid (high school style attacks) like saying, “You’re stupid.” And attacks can be sophisticated (my spouse is a lawyer kind of attack), like “There are better ways to do things and if you had consulted with me first, this might never have happened (ie. “Your too dumb, so you should have checked with me first”). Defending involves either giving reasons for your actions or counterattacking. The goal of both attacks and defenses is to prove the other person wrong. Making up will need to deal with that central issue. You don’t need to be wrong in order to make up, but you will have to stop trying to prove your partner is wrong or else the fighting will just continue. With some couples, issues come along so often that their relationship does not have time to recover between fights. This is a strong signal that it’s time for professional help. Many people think that fights will end when their partner changes his or her ways or when the current issue is resolved. Unfortunately, that only stops fighting until the next issue comes along. The solution to ending fighting is not solving all the issues. Differences are a part of life and are inevitable. Fights will stop completely when either partner learns win-win strategies for dealing with differences, as are taught in relationship coaching. It happens to the best of us. The real measure of a good marriage is not whether or not there are fights, but how quickly husband and wife make up after a fight. Here are 10 things that you can do to make up sooner and get back on track: 1. Decide that the relationship is more important than being right—One way to do that is to ask yourself if being right is more important to you than loving your partner. .
2. Making up does not involve attacking or defending—Don’t start to give reasons for why you were fighting or you will restart the fight. .
3. If you were wrong, admit it–Admitting when you are wrong will help to build respect and ease tension. . 4. It’s important to cool down after an argument—Don’t make up so that your partner can calm you down. Calm down before you make up. If you don’t know how to calm yourself, then learn how. Self-calming is a skill. .
5. You need to be mature even if your spouse isn’t—In every relationship, one partner is more mature than the other. It’s either going to be you or it’s going to be your partner. If you are the more mature one, don’t let your partner’s lack of maturity bring you down. Let your maturity help to bring your partner up. .
6. Restart communication by helping your partner to be right—If your partner had some good points during the fight, say so, but don’t attack or defend. Your partner may reciprocate, but don’t count on it. Don’t ask, “Didn’t I have some good points too?” unless you want to fight some more. .
7. Deal positively with continued verbal attacks following an argument—Your husband or wife may not be good at calming down and continue to shoot comments at you. Don’t fan the flames. If you don’t know how to deal with attacks, then at least don’t participate. Your spouse may be upset because you are not continuing to argue, but that’s OK. Arguing more just does more damage. .
8. Take responsibility for change after an argument—Do your part to work on whatever valid criticisms your partner had of you, even if your partner does nothing. This is not compromising your principles. If the criticisms were valid, then changing will earn you respect, not lose it. .
9. Reaffirm your desire for a good relationship after an argument—Keep it positive. “I love you, and I want to have a good relationship with you” is positive. “I don’t want to fight with you and have a bad relationship,” is negative and invites more attacks.
. 10. Don’t rush your partner to reconcile—Making up is opening the door to reconnecting. It is a loving invitation to reconnect. Be patient until your partner is ready to come through that door and reconnect with you. Allow your partner to have space if that is what he or she needs. For some people, that is the only way they know how to calm down. If you have done well, then although it was very hard, you have been able to find some truth in what your partner has said, given honest appreciation, and given positive messages of love and desire for the relationship. If your marriage is still on solid ground, it is likely your husband or wife has responded positively or is quickly warming up to being with you again. If your relationship has had many battles and you and your husband or wife have become very distant, then mending your relationship will take time as well as the persistent use of positive skills. You will need to continue to avoid arguing not by avoiding your partner, and not by shutting down, but by refusing to either attack or defend. This gives you the power to be the one to end the fighting. If your spouse is not ready to reconcile today and says he or she never will, don’t accept that message as written in stone. There are many things that both you and your husband or wife have said to each other that you meant at the time, but which later changed. Your spouse’s lack of desire to reconcile can change as well. If you are smart, you won’t depend on time alone to change it. It is very hard to get rid of something that we perceive to be very valuable, but not so hard to get rid something that just causes us grief. Resolve to deal with your partner in a positive way that makes him or her value you more while also earning respect. This doesn’t happen by repeatedly apologizing and promising to be good. It just makes you seem more like a needy child and will make you lose even more respect. Admit to yourself that your relationship skills are not good enough to keep your partner and that you need to improve them. Then, get help improving them. Doing that will mean seeing your partner in a different way. Your spouse or significant other is just a fallible human being with fears and desires. His or her way of doing things may be the very best way that he or she knows. Although things may not seem so bad to you, to your spouse they may seem desperate or hopeless. And despite all the angry words, he or she needs love and attention, just like you. His or her ability to cope may be almost fried. Seeing your partner in this way will allow you to see your partner more realistically than before, to have compassion rather than anger, and will allow love to continue to live in your heart even if sometimes all you get is the angry face from him. Loving someone never has been easy, but it continues to be worth it. It gives meaning to our life. A relationship coach can help you to reconcile even the most difficult of situations. Proper relationship coaching can end separations and prevent divorces. There is a very strong desire in each of us to reconnect with a person we have loved, no matter what has happened. It’s only when people don’t know how to reconnect that they give up. A relationship coach is not going to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be OK, but a relationship coach will give you the best shot at getting what you really want. If you don’t yet have a relationship coach to help you with your relationship, make the investment today. Saving your relationship takes skills that you may not have and you are going to need to learn. Because there is no one who can save your relationship for you. For an introductory coaching package, follow this link.
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Not because I didn’t like athletics, but because I stunk at team sports. The gym teacher would have us line up and then choose two people who would pick their team members. I was picked last. Every time. I would’ve felt sorry for the team that had to have me as a member, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Many single people struggle with this same sense of self doubt. They feel there is no way for them to compete with all the better “players”.
By pretending to be like somebody else. It’s like the old high school dream of moving to another school where nobody knows you. But, that wouldn’t work. If I did get picked 1st, or 2nd, or 3rd, at another school, they would have quickly learned that I stunk at sports.
They are not the ones who break up. Their partners break up with them. It’s like getting chosen for a team only to be kicked off. Often, they get the consolation prize of sitting on the bench in case their partner’s new girlfriend or boyfriend doesn’t work out. But, is there anything more hurtful than being someone’s backup girlfriend or boyfriend?
All it requires is a little faith, and a little hope to start. You can have that when you realize that many other people have been in the same situation. And some of them chose not to give up. And some of those who chose not to give up were willing to do the scary thing. To look at some part of themselves that they did not like and change it. To realize that being picked means that others need to have a reason to pick you that’s much better than feeling sorry for you.
1. Understand that those who do well, do so because of practice and learning. None of the kids in my gym class were born good at sports. They learned from their family and friends by playing together. Meeting people, dating, getting along, working out problems, and being able to say “no” without fear are also skills that can all be learned. Each one is an essential skill for a good relationship.
2. Be available. Don’t prematurely commit to relationships that just aren’t right for you. Don’t allow yourself to be someone’s consolation prize. And don’t pick your future husband or wife based on your belief that he or she is the best you can do . Don’t make your date or fiance feel like a consolation prize (gee, I’m with you because I couldn’t find anyone better). Can you imagine committing to someone who wishes they had someone better than you? Someone who settled for you?
3. Be noticeable. If you are available and no one knows it, you are not going to be picked for anything. When you want to be on a team, you go to tryouts. You learn why you failed and you work on it. When you want to make friends and have dates, your tryouts are in the form of greeting and talking to people. As your skills improve, you will get further with more people. To learn from your mistakes you have to make them first.
4. Keep dating. It’s so exciting to get chosen! That will make your first relationship seem great even if it won’t work in the long run. You will be tempted to just hang on for dear life even after you find out the team you are on (you and your boyfriend/girlfriend) is having severe problems. Keep trying out with others (making friends and other dates). Be sure not to confuse “dating” with “relationships” and “acquaintances” with “friends”. They are not the same thing.
5. Live up to your initial impression. If you present yourself as a positive, open minded, person when you first date and then change into a controlling, needy, person in a relationship, then something is wrong. You will lose respect. You will be benched. You need to have something inside you that keeps you consistent, even when other team members (your boyfriend or girlfriend) are having an off day.
6. Play by the rules. What are the rules in a relationship? Always do what is in the best interest of the relationship, even if it means doing or saying something your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want to hear. When you “give in” to something you know is bad for your relationship you will experience more and more losses in your relationship. You gradually will empty out all of your good emotions into the dirt. Being part of a team (which is like a healthy relationship) means doing what is best for the team and not just what one of the players wants.
7. Know when to cut a player. When your dates start to put your needs or theirs ahead of having a good relationship with you, it is time to take a firm stance. If they continue, it is time to remove them from the candidate list. People will do such things because of their neediness, their desire to manipulate you, or because of their inexperience. You can help someone to get experience by setting good boundaries (and people who genuinely love you will hang in there). You can’t stop someone from being needy, but you can help create the conditions for them to stand on their own feet, instead of standing on yours.
8. Become a Most Valuable Partner (MVP). When you first date, you are trying to be your best. Transitioning into a relationship and keeping it, you will need to continue to be your best. Be the person you want to be and the person who your partner committed to. Work on being the most valuable player on your team (your relationship). Then you will become irreplaceable.
People are not picking on you. You are not a loser. Your life is not over. You won’t always be miserable. You will need to learn the skills that will make you both noticeable and valuable for the kind of friends, jobs, and relationships that you want to have.
A baseball coach might show you a better way to grip your bat, swing, slide into a base, etc. Can you imagine a baseball team sitting around with a bunch of books or computers trying to improve their game? They need a coach who can see what they are doing and who can identify what they are missing. They need to learn as they are doing. You can’t learn and then do.
A relationship coach will help you with both of these things and will also walk with you step by step. As your mentor, guide, and most importantly, coach.
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One of the conscious growth principles I’ve been teaching for years is the principle of Love. This principle states that you’ll grow significantly faster — and enjoy the process of growth much more — when your life is rich in supportive, encouraging connections. People violate this principle constantly — and to their detriment when they do so. Partly that happens because they don’t understand this principle deeply enough. Consider two scenarios: Scenario A – You wake up on a typical weekday morning, alone. As you open your eyes, you see several piles of clutter, including bills, reminding you that you need to sort through them. Your roommate hears you get up, pops through the doorway of your room, puffs some smoke from a cigarette in your direction, then glares at you and says, “Hey lazy ass, you’d better hurry up or you’ll be late. By the way… Greg is coming over tonight. I know you don’t like him, so just deal with it.” You go to the bathroom and brush your teeth, noticing how dirty the place is. Scenario B – You wake up on a typical weekday morning. Your lover is lying in bed next to you, and s/he cuddles up against you, embraces you tightly, and says, “It feels so good to cuddle you. I love you. Mmmmm… And you really turn me on, sexiness! [Snarl]” S/he massages you a bit, which generates some feel-good endorphins. As you get out of bed, you notice a shelf full of books and pictures that inspire you. You go to the bathroom and see your list of goals taped to your mirror, so you review them as you brush your teeth. What’s the difference between these two scenarios? Essentially it comes down to each person’s alignment with the principle of Love. Which situation would you prefer? The second one seems like a nicer one to experience, but there’s a more subtle difference that might be harder to accept. The second person is likely to grow and change much faster than the first. In the first case, the person is wallowing in unsupportive connections. The cluttered environment, the unsympathetic roommate, the messy bathroom — these will typically build stress, which reduces the person’s inner resourcefulness and promotes stagnation. It’s hard to feel motivated when your day begins like this. Imagine how the rest of the day is likely to turn out if this is how it starts. In the second case, the person has created an environment that’s positive and supportive. From the lover’s touch to the positive books and pictures to the list of goals, this person is likely to start the day with uplifting, motivating thoughts. Imagine how the rest of the day is likely to turn out. Which scenario does your life resemble? Perhaps you’re in the middle somewhere. You might think that’s a neutral situation. Maybe you don’t have much positive support, but the negative stimuli aren’t present either. Generally speaking, that’s still a negative situation growth-wise. A lack of positive support will slow you down tremendously. It’s not enough to avoid the negatives. You need to add the positives. Otherwise you’re still likely to stagnate. Neutrality is just another form of stuckness. Positive support is like gravity. It pulls you in the direction of positive growth. It might take some work to set it up at first, but it usually takes little effort to maintain. Without that gravity helping you out, you’ll have to push yourself constantly, and that isn’t very sustainable. You want to give yourself every advantage, and this includes creating a super-supportive environment. Each scenario maintains itself. You can expect that the following days in each timeline will look essentially the same. The clutter will probably still be there the next day. So will the inspiring books and pictures. Neither person has to work at it — the continuity just happens. Which scenario you experience is a matter of choice. But it’s not about choosing between A or B. It’s about exercising your power to choose vs. not exercising it. It’s about being conscious vs. unconscious. No one really chooses the first scenario or even a neutral scenario. It’s just something you fall into. In the absence of direct conscious intervention, these types of scenarios happen organically. Scenario B, however, is no accident. This scenario happens because someone deliberately chooses to create it. Even the presence of a supportive lover isn’t an accident. It’s a choice. Sure there may be a lot of action steps and some courage required to make it happen, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a very achievable part of the picture if you make it a priority. Alignment with the principle of Love is one of the key differences between unconscious and conscious growth. When someone is truly on a path of conscious growth, the telltale sign is that they’ve deliberately sculpted their environment to support their highest and best vision of themselves. Whatever doesn’t fit that vision gets cut. If you took a highly conscious person and put them into scenario A, what would they do? Get a new roommate or move to a new place. Clean up the clutter and dirtiness. Make new friends who are supportive and invite them over. Write out some goals and post them. Decorate the place with some inspiring pictures. A truly conscious person could make these changes within a few days max. The conscious person would be unwilling to tolerate an environment that doesn’t support his/her vision. Their standards would be higher than that. If you think you’re strong enough to be immune to the effects of your environment, then let’s put you in prison for a year and see how well you thrive there. If you look at the most conscious people on earth, you’ll see just how refined their environments are, both physically and socially. Having a home base that’s super-supportive gives them the strength to handle less friendly situations without getting overly discouraged. Such people surround themselves with positive, loving support. Start with the easy stuff. Change some elements of the physical space you live in. This can be really simple, so don’t overcomplicate it. Google a picture of a place you’d like to travel to, print it out, and literally tape it to your wall. How long will that take? A few minutes perhaps. You can fancy it up later. Take the piles of clutter, and stick them in a closet or drawer somewhere, so they don’t serve as a constantly stressor each time you see them. Pull out a small bit of the pile each day, and sort through it little by little. Or set aside a chunk of time to go through the whole thing as fast as possible. Don’t let clutter become a negative visual stimulation that broadcasts, “You can’t have what you want because you’re overwhelmed as it is.” Make a list of qualities you’d like to have in friends, lovers, coworkers, etc. Post it where you can see it. Spend 10 minutes a day imagining that you’re already there. You can do this while lying in bed as you drift off to sleep. Don’t hang out with people who disempower you. Not only will they discourage you, but they’ll turn away the very people who’d otherwise support and encourage you. Supportive people are repelled by negative-minded people. Don’t leave your social and environmental support to chance. It’s too important. These daily influences matter. Put yourself in the advantaged position of scenario B. You’ll grow much faster in that situation, and you’ll enjoy your life more as well. Make it so.  This entry was posted on Friday, November 12th, 2010 at 8:19 am and is filed under Consciousness & Awareness, Motivation, Personal Development, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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 If you have found a wonderful man or woman, the odds of you two staying together are better than for the average couple, right? Unfortunately, no. Your odds of divorce are still the same as for the average couple–about 41% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and 70% for third marriages. For unmarried people, the breakup rate is much higher. Let me illustrate. When you buy a new car, does the quality of the car change your chances of being in an accident? Or does the amount that you love the car at the time you buy it determine how much you will love it in five years? Unless you buy a car that is already dangerous (faulty brakes, bald tires, etc.), your chances of being in an accident will be the same whether you buy an economy car or a luxury car and whether you love it or not. How wonderful you think the car is will be unrelated to whether you have an accident. The condition of the car after 5 years has more to do with maintenance and your driving skills than its original condition. The same is true for relationships. Your ability to maintain a relationship has more to do with whether you will still be together than does the quality of the man or woman that you find. The idea that you can find a wonderful man or woman and simply live happily ever after does not fit the facts. Likewise, if you are in a bad relationship, it is also likely that you did not get into a relationship with the wrong person. Unless there was something severely flawed about your spouse from the beginning (drug addiction, criminal behavior, etc.), your problems do not lie in having chosen the wrong person. Therefore your solution does not lie in getting a different person (as the statistics about second and third marriages prove). One of the greatest myths of our time is that relationships fail because we married the wrong person. It is the way that husbands and wives relate to each other on a day to day basis that determines whether a relationship stays together or falls apart. Poor daily maintenance leads to increasing distance and dissatisfaction with the marriage. The distance and dissatisfaction then kick in each person’s characteristic way of defending their ego. When those ways are not healthy (blaming, avoiding, or withdrawing), they further distress the relationship. It becomes a downward spiral to the junkyard of relationships. Clearly defenses don’t maintain relationships. They destroy them. Staying together has to do with the day to day ways that we relate to each other. We can tell whether our current ways are constructive or destructive by looking at the trend in the relationship. If we took videos of your relationship now, 3 months ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, and 5 years ago (if you were together then), what trend would we see? You don’t need professional training to see where that trend is heading for your future. Is it getting worse or better? This is the bottom line question. If your relationship is trending downward, toward increasing distance, and dissatisfaction, changing your day to day interactions becomes first priority for saving your relationship. The great time wasters that delay effectively dealing with this trend are blaming (self-blame and blaming our husband or wife), nagging, avoiding, and arguing. These actions not only delay effective action, they actually increase the slope of our worsening relationship. Here are 8 effective actions to take that will restore the relationship: 1. Come to grips with reality-your husband or wife is not someone you are going to change by force of will or by reasoning. Force of will suppresses behavior temporarily–it doesn’t change it. Reasoning doesn’t work because people always believe that what they do is already reasonable (even if it is crazy to you). 2. Get on with your life. Did you know that a relationship is not meant to end your enjoyment of life? Continuing to enjoy your life, following your dreams and passions, will add to your relationship. In order for that to work, you and your spouse need to be cheerleaders for each other’s ambitions. Jealousy and competition need to be replaced by support and cooperation. 3. Deal with problems before they get out of hand. If you had a flat tire on your car, how far would you drive before you changed the tire? You would change it right away or call the auto service because driving on it further would be dangerous and cause more damage–which would be even more expensive to repair. You wouldn’t say, “Well, I can still drive, so I don’t need to do anything yet,” would you? 4. Don’t assume that you can fix your problems just by reasoning or doing what feels right. If you have increasing relationship problems, what you believe is the right way to deal with the problem is actually making things worse. What doesn’t work today won’t work tomorrow. Take an honest look at how well you are doing in order to see how well you are going to be able to do without help and change. 5. Make your relationship priority–not your husband or wife. If your spouse wants you to do something that is bad for the relationship, side with the relationship. That’s right, what your husband or wife wants and is what is good for the relationship are often not the same thing. And there is no way to save your relationship if you make what your spouse wants a priority. What good will it do you to please your husband or wife if it kills your relationship? 6. Agree with your husband or wife whenever what he or she wants is good for the relationship. This means that you also make your relationship a priority beyond your own desires. Taking care of the relationship is a way of taking care of yourself. Determine that you are not going to let your own stubbornness or fears get in the way of taking care of your relationship. 7. Never consider break-up or divorce as a method to deal with problems. If your method doesn’t work, then changing partners will just allow you to use the same ineffective methods with a new husband or wife (or worse yet, statistically, a boyfriend or girlfriend). If your way isn’t working, then get a new way-not a new partner. 8. Get professional help. If you were going to figure out a better way by yourself, then you would already be using it, wouldn’t you? Admit your cluelessness, just as with fixing your computer monitor or removing your own appendix (my apologies to those of you who can actually do those things). Many people need professional help with their relationship, just as they do with any other complicated and important thing. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about in that. The best time to start for you may be now. Only you can determine that. But if it is, then look for the best help you can get. While you are doing that you may want to look at what you can do with relationship coaching.
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Divorce and Childhood Trauma Researchers show that the children of divorced parents survive as much or more psychological stress and trauma from the divorce as their parents. Studies show that children whose parents divorce show increased signs of insecurity, have less self-confidence, and endure guilty feelings; children often feel helpless and ‘at fault’ for the divorce of their parents. Children of divorced parents also have more social demands placed on them, as they are forced to share time between two families, and in the case of their parents gaining new partners, they to have reintegrate with an extra set of parental figures or role models. Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children Since no-fault divorces became widespread in the United States around fifty years ago, a huge upsurge in the number of divorces has provided a large pool of children from which to gain data about divorce. However, studying divorced children is difficult, as setting a baseline for comparison can be elusive; divorce is a negative experience, but even integral families aren’t always the happiest settings. However, in comparisons of raw statistics between children whose parents divorced and those who did not, adult survivors of parental divorce suffer up to twenty times the rate of clinical depression, three times the rate of suicide, and are fifteen times more likely to live in poverty when compared to the adult children of parents that stayed married. What Experts Advise The conclusions drawn from these studies show that children of divorce can suffer lifelong trauma and psychological stress from the divorce of their parents. The findings support the need for divorced children to have professional counseling in their formative years in order to lead the healthiest lives possible. The studies are neutral on the necessity of a couple’s divorce, but definitely show that their children will be impacted if there is one.  
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Many parents know they should be reading to their children when they’re young but they don’t understand why. After all, infants have no idea what’s going on when someone reads them a book, and a lot of toddlers don’t even have the attention span to finish a book. This is why many parents don’t bother reading to their kids when they’re this young. However, this is the perfect time to read to your kids! Studies have shown that children between the ages of one and three learn a lot from books. While they may not have the attention span to sit through an entire story, they can learn a variety of other things from books. For example, you can take this time to point to different things on the pages and tell your little one what they are. Young kids enjoy learning new things and being able to show what they know. Therefore, after you’ve pointed out objects in a particular book several times, begin to quiz your child about where the different objects are. This is great for teaching children the proper names for things such as fruits, animals, shapes and many other objects. Another thing that reading to young children helps develop is their language skills. It’s a well-known fact that kids learn to talk before they can read. Therefore, they learn their language skills from what they hear. When you spend time reading to your child on a regular basis, he or she will begin to learn new words and what they mean. Once that happens and your child reaches the age of three, you can begin to work with him or her on basic sight words. Finally, reading to your child at a young age will help instill a love of reading in your child. As you know, reading comprehension is crucial for school so why not give your child a head start? Even five minutes of reading daily will help!  
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